Forever in My Heart

     Olivia was so much a part of our lives that once we head back to Maine in the spring I'm not sure how I'm going to feel. Here she is in 2010 standing curious and tall on the back steps of a condo we owned in Maine. She lived with us first in this crazy giant condo which felt like a ship in the middle of a river on the border of Maine and New Hampshire. She spent the last part of her life in the post and beam house my husband built in the woods where she had the freedom to roam the woods and neighborhood sniffing for deer, wild turkeys and other critters who visited our yard.

    After Olivia collapsed and died in Florida and not at home in Maine, I cried to my friend.  

    She said, "Olivia's home is where you are."

    That made me cry more.

    I fear returning to our Maine home in the spring to see her crate tucked over in the corner of our bedroom or her half-demolished chew toy still on the couch. I have a box of old Kongs we used to fill with peanut butter, balls of every color and leashes, my favorite being the pink one with donuts. Dog bones yet to be eaten and toothpaste left ready and waiting by the pantry will bring tears.  

   As she aged Olivia had a dog bed in every room. How ever will I deal with those? She had a fluffy blue and white one in the upstairs writing/yoga room. Whenever I was on Zoom she was in the corner of my eye, sleeping and barely moving. I would shoo her off my pink yoga mat when I wanted to stretch my sore arms. She had a grey one in the basement where I'd paint or work on clay or workout with weights. She'd look at me when I breathed heavy lifting weights or danced to a YouTube video. She had a big cushy one in the garage that was like a little boat where she'd hang out with my husband, always waiting for me. I'm not sure what to do with them when I return home. Here at our house in Florida I refuse to put up her two beds that I have stacked together and lay by my bedside. Her food and water bowl are right were they were the day we wrapped her up in a pink blanket and carried her to the car and the end of her life.

    After spending time with an adorable little puppy yesterday I'm thinking maybe we'll get one in the future. A little black schnauzer like the unnamed one my friend just picked up in Jacksonville for $3,600 and waited a year for. A prized and adorable little puppy, soft and sweet. But then I also had the thought that nobody, canine or otherwise, will ever take the place of Livy.

    Just wishing her well and hoping in my sad heart that there is a heaven. And maybe my girl who used to be so full of life will be waiting for me like she did every day with those big brown eyes. Hopefully that's a long time from now. My sweet, beloved and loyal girl gone from earth but never from my heart.  

    Her passing reminds me that I, too, will face that time when my body fails to support me and I enter another space and time. I will see you then sweet girl.