Wild Geranium

I am in a phase where I am testing who will call me. I am always the caller. I am always texting or calling my sister, my step daughter-in-law, my step mother-in-law, my nephew, that friend who I thought might be a friend. But, who the hell checks in on me? My husband tries. God Bless him. But, who outside my four walls bothers to stop and think, "How's Joy doing. Let me check." Cause I am not always doing so great even though my sister called me the Queen of Everything long ago. I am blessed with several beautiful women friends who call and wonder how I am. We listen to one another. But family? Not so much. Except my younger brother. He knows when I am treading water and gasping for air. "Don't hide away!" He texted a couple of days ago. "Ya still in a mood?" He called one morning to check in. And then in the middle of a sweaty onlie yoga class yesterday he FaceTimes me. "You need to think about why Pam's cancer is so hard on you? What does it remind you of?" I sat for a long time. Cried. Then laughed. "Who's helping who now?" I have always been my brother's big sister/mom. Our mom was unable, inept, ill. Somebody had to step in. "I have to let go of the family I always wanted." That was hard to let come out of my mouth and sit in the room. "Be who you want to truly be, Joy. Let all the other shit go." And his advice, cause he's been through a lot, hit this time. Be myself. Let go of what I imagined, yearned for but will never have and take what is. I bought this new app called Picture This because I have a tangled assortment of plants particularly in one large chaotic garden. So on my morning walks I snap shots of various plants and vines. The app runs the image through an algorithm or two to give me a name. Wild Geranium. Who knew I had an entire garden full of Wild Geranium! I have tried to grow those suckers, the orange and red ones you can buy at Home Depot. They don't do well in and around my shady home in the woods and die with the first frost. But these wild, perennial woodland guys thrive. Spread out in a gentle mass, they root into the earth. Here and now year after year. I will be like this Wild Geranium I think as I crouch down in the gentle morning rain to snap a picture of the tender lavender blooms. Why didn't I see them before?